Random - Volume 1:
Nonsense from a well-hydrated man and his bag of carrots.
Selling like hot cakes? Really? Were room-temperature cakes doing that poorly?
Some people’s ice tastes like a grandmother’s coat.
I like to eat healthy, sure, but why is the bag of mini carrots always soaking wet? Somebody at the plant’s having too much fun with the hoses.
What’s odd about the holidays is how people use them to frame bad news. Like bad news has any sympathy for the time of year. “So, my chinchilla got squashed by a garbage truck. Merry Christmas, right?”
Why don’t they build cups with coasters attached to them?
Do you think YouTube is surprised when you let a commercial play longer than the skip? I feel like they’re going, “What the hell? I guess he did need a vacation with Trivago… or he just died.”
It’s genius, really. They could force us to watch the full ad, but don’t. They know eventually we’ll be washing a dish.
I like summer mornings because most of the bugs in my house aren’t awake yet.
I’ve been trying to get better with gender issues. So I’ve been taking a women’s vitamin. I’m not sure it’s doing much, but I am getting paid less at work. So progress?
You know you’re getting old when people start saving your voicemails.
Nobody likes jazz. It’s just for people who can’t find any other reason to wear their suits in the dark.
Do you think if humans went extinct and dinosaurs made a comeback, they’d have patterns of us on their kids’ pajamas?
“What’s your favorite human?”
“Mine’s the vegan—they were herbivores.”
“I like the boomer—they were angry.”
That’s all for now. If you laughed, smiled, or reconsidered your carrot bag, then the system’s working.
See you soon,
— Ricky C.