Health Advice

French Hens and Plastic Knives

Health Advice

I love how confident health advice is.

“This causes cancer.”
“No, wait, this prevents cancer. It causes a stroke.”
“Actually, it depends on how happy you are while eating it. Also, did you store it in the fridge? That’s a mistake.”

Keep in mind that not that long ago, news reports confidently informed people that the second leading cause of death in this country was witches.

So maybe I’ll ease into the cold plunge studies before shelling out $3,000 for an outdoor tub.

Getting Healthy in the Garden State

Two Italians from New Jersey discussing health at a local diner.

Man 1: Doctor says I’ve gotta lose weight. Cholesterol’s getting too high.

Man 2: Yeah, I’ve got that too. You should eat more legumes.

Man 1: What’s that? Like a fish?

Man 2: I’m not sure. My daughter said it’s healthy. I think it’s a bird.

Man 1: What, like a hen?

Man 2: I believe so. I think it’s French.

Man 1: How fancy. French hen—like the song.

Man 2: Exactly.

Man 1: Legumes, huh? Leave it to the French.

Cake

I saw a guy eating cake with a plastic knife. Just a knife. That’s a new level of lazy in this country. That’s not a utensil choice, that’s a lifestyle. Too burdened to track down a fork. I mean, where did it even come from? Nobody sets out cake and knives and then just walks away like, “Here you go you animals.” And he was eating slow too. It’s not like he was rushing. He could have waited to see if the person came back with forks.

Broccoli

In a rare occurrence in today’s streaming world, I actually saw a commercial.

It was for a medicine you take when you’re gassy.

Some woman was eating broccoli, and then—uh oh.

Could the PR get any worse for broccoli these days? It’s already struggling at about eleven cents a crown at the grocery store.

Then it hit me, is this really what happens?

You’re a woman at a restaurant. You order salmon and it shows up with some steamed broccoli on the side. And now you’re living a nightmare.

“Oh. Oh, dear. Of all the days to be wearing tan slacks.”

So she sneaks off to the bathroom and pops a pill that neutralizes the nuclear gas power of broccoli.

She comes out all confident. Thrilled she doesn’t have to drive home with the windows down.

— Ricky C.