Amazon — They've Got Us

I’m not saying Amazon comes to my house too often. I’m just saying it felt weird not adding our driver to the family Christmas card.

Reviews

A lot of these reviews are fake. You read them and it’s always:

“Oh, I get so many compliments.”

Who is getting compliments on anything?

Am I just buying ugly clothes? I never get compliments, and never give them. What kind of place are these people living where everyone’s just running around praising each other?

That’s the place I want to move to.

“What a great blouse!”

“Thank you. And a nice slack to you, sir!”

Amazon’s Next Features

Usable Life (Give or Take)

Amazon should start listing how long each product lasts before it gets shoved in a closet or thrown away. I’d love to see the honesty:

• Decorative Soap Dish — 3 weeks
  Top comment: “It turned yellow, and really the dish soap already comes in a dish. Also, I can never find the refills.

• Wine Cork Stopper — 1 hour
  Top comment: “Why do I keep buying these? Who doesn’t finish the bottle?”

• Apple Peeler — 8 months
  Top comment: “We bought one of these? When?”

• Scented Candle — 6 years
  Top comment: “I don’t take baths that often, but I’m gonna start. Self-care September!”

It’s worth noting how things were going for a bit. There was a stretch where it felt like Amazon stopped trying. The app would glitch and go, “Oops, something went wrong,” then show a picture of a dog who looked like he just peed on the carpet.

No one was monitoring anything.

Boxes showed up mangled. A big boot print on top. Shampoo bottles exploded through their zip-tied plastic bags.

And the returns?

They don’t even want the stuff back anymore.

“Eh, keep it. If I ask anyone in the warehouse to put this back on a shelf, they might burn the building down.”

Amazon Pilot

One idea I could get behind is Amazon piloting an autopilot purchasing program.

They know us. They have the data. They understand us better than we do.

You go to buy a pair of pants and Amazon goes:

Amazon: “No That’s not the right size.”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ve been buying pants my whole life. I’m a 36.”
Amazon: “I’ve reviewed millions of returns. Your history suggests your body needs a 38. I’ve added it to the cart.”
Me: (resigned) “Okay.”

At this point, they should just start sending us things.

We still pay for it—we just don’t know what it is until the box arrives.

Honestly, I don’t think our lives would improve or decline in any measurable way.

See you soon,

Ricky C.