Amazon — They've Got Us
I’m not saying Amazon comes to my house too often. I’m just saying it felt weird not adding our driver to the family Christmas card.
Reviews
A lot of these reviews are fake. You read them and it’s always:
“Oh, I get so many compliments.”
Who is getting compliments on anything?
Am I just buying ugly clothes? I never get compliments, and never give them. What kind of place are these people living where everyone’s just running around praising each other?
That’s the place I want to move to.
“What a great blouse!”
“Thank you. And a nice slack to you, sir!”
Amazon’s Next Features
Usable Life (Give or Take)
Amazon should start listing how long each product lasts before it gets shoved in a closet or thrown away. I’d love to see the honesty:
Decorative Soap Dish — 3 weeks
Top comment: “It turned yellow, and really the dish soap already comes in a dish. Also, I can never find the refills.Wine Cork Stopper — 1 hour
Top comment: “Why do I keep buying these? Who doesn’t finish the bottle?”Apple Peeler — 8 months
Top comment: “We bought one of these? When?”Scented Candle — 6 years
Top comment: “I don’t take baths that often, but I’m gonna start. Self-care September!”
It’s worth noting how things were going for a bit. There was a stretch where it felt like Amazon stopped trying. The app would glitch and go, “Oops, something went wrong,” then show a picture of a dog who looked like he just peed on the carpet.
No one was monitoring anything.
Boxes showed up mangled. A big boot print on top. Shampoo bottles exploded through their zip-tied plastic bags.
And the returns?
They don’t even want the stuff back anymore.
“Eh, keep it. If I ask anyone in the warehouse to put this back on a shelf, they might burn the building down.”
Amazon Pilot
One idea I could get behind is Amazon piloting an autopilot purchasing program.
They know us. They have the data. They understand us better than we do.
You go to buy a pair of pants and Amazon goes:
Amazon: “No That’s not the right size.”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ve been buying pants my whole life. I’m a 36.”
Amazon: “I’ve reviewed millions of returns. Your history suggests your body needs a 38. I’ve added it to the cart.”
Me: (resigned) “Okay.”
At this point, they should just start sending us things.
We still pay for it—we just don’t know what it is until the box arrives.
Honestly, I don’t think our lives would improve or decline in any measurable way.
See you soon,
Ricky C.
